For three decades a wench adapted migratory characteristics of evading her demons. Mainly by refusing to take notice and intentionally disregarding them. I firmly maintained this idiosyncratic belief despite being contradicted by reality and rationality. There is a sense of false tranquility when you just say fuck this life and go back to bed at 7 am knowing full well you have an 8.30 that urgently needs your attention. This is me choosing the faux freedom of disturbance. This mental calm is far from composure, it is self sabotage at peak. Sometimes an ostrich life feels better even though the glaring stupidity of burying ones head in the sand while in full view of your irrational fears is absolutely hilarious. Hilarious in a sad sad pathetic way.
I am not particularly possessed by the spawns and cohorts of the Devil. Demons. The non physical part of me that is a seat of malevolent traits. A mental war. Harmful toxic traits, phobias, regret, relentless trepidation, arrogance, delusion, indiscipline, inadequate, inattentive…wait, does every word with “in” as a prefix a negative connotation? Oh bite me. See, the alpha demon is the one writing this, as we speak. The agro pessimist. Give me a minute. Right, these demons have been the greatest curb on my highway to success. I have been chasing my tail and running away from my shadow like a fish swimming upstream to spawn but in the same damn water. Today I stopped mid track and turned to face those SOBs eyeball to eyeball. I can go around the world in 80days and those goons would be patiently waiting for me. So I am in a hell of a mood, pmsing, raging hormones and technically multipolar. If thats even a thing.
I told myself, NO MORE RUNNING. I am seizing them leprechauns with a choke hold and slamming them to the ground. I suddenly remembered who I am and what I am capable of. I am the queen on a chessboard. A woman outstanding of her kind. Today I looked at myself in the mirror and Michael Jackesoned the hell out of my self. I asked the woman in the mirror to change her ways. Well except for them brows, them boomerangs could stay and the matte red lipsick gave me mad lip. Can we rebuke the shillyshally habbit of deferring an action to a later time? Why is procrastination delicious and really easy? That book wilk never be finished, that awesome opportunity is going to slip way like water in a bucket with holes. I conjur the spirit of promptness , to act without delay and meticulously deliver. It starts now, I am going to finish writing this blog today and publish it tomorrow on a Tuesday! Excuses are for the weak, and I am none of that. You heard that distant roar? That is me rising from dust!
I have this thing of acting dumb around people so they feel like we are on the same page. I pretend not know stuff so I can sit there listening to shit that I already know and act like I am hearing it for the first time. I down play myself a lot just to empower the next person. I thought this is a noble act of selflessness only to realise that it is optimum bootlicking. I will stop being an obsequious, subservient person because this has made people undermine and underestimate me. Dumbing down to caress people’egoes ends this instant! I am not dulling my shine for no damn person. I can finally be me without anticipating the next persons mental capacity to process my untamed mind. If you don’t get me, so that means were are not meant be friends at all and I will surround myself with like minded people . No more fawning, I owe this to my persona and to be the best version of myself.
I need to stop muffeling and repressing my emotions. I can be going through the most harrowing situation but I will bottle it up and plaster a smile on my face. I have internalized a lot of things that have been eating me up for a while. For what? For people who not even worth one red cent. Bitteness is cancerous and I have been nursing that cancer for too long. Its time to speak up and put a screeching halt to people who think they can trample over me. I am letting it all go, I forgive you all and not because you deserve forgiveness but I deserve a peace of mind. Also, fuck you dad. I am afraid to take risks and I am a permanent resisdence of comfort bay, annhiliating any chance of fulfilling my destiny. In the end I suffer from acute complacency and a couple of regrets. The sense of loss and guilt really crushes me when I don’t take that leap that could take me places. I am a fierce risk taker and I am going to seize every opportunity by the balls! This would be the perfect time to pound my chest like king kong but I just got my nails done.
I secretly call myself the hedge cutter and not I am not talking about my nethers, hahahaha! Seriously, I cut off people like a guillotine. It just takes one grumpy morning and boom, the friends list is shorter. It doesn’t really take much to decide that I no longer want to vibe with a person, it might be the weather or a stale sandwich and I am done. I can not continue to pick and drop people like poetic justice braids. I need character to build more lasting and stronger bonds with humans. Its toxic and hurts people. I honestly need to stop. Also alcohol is not my friend, I need to hold on to that every time I pour myslef the third glass. After the third glass I am a wild coyote. Moderation is key you unruly swine.
This was absolutely therapeutic, I have made a conscious decision to be a better person and not let these demons control me. Its my reincarnation, like baptism I died to be reborn. Left those SOBs in purgatory, I am a new person with my drink and my two step.
Its nice to meet me.