What is Halloween to a Nigga Like Me? Please Remind Me.

 

Whoa, this is the longest blog title ever. So, I have been seeing a lot of hype about Halloween on social media from my American acquaintances. They have interesting themes, from some morbid scary costumes to the corniest almost laughable shit I have ever seen. It looks like a lot of fun to be honest and I love how Beyonce shut down the show with the Toni Braxton makeover. While I was busy watching this Halloween stuff, it occurred to me that this event does not resonate with me. All my 31 years I have never celebrated Halloween except for a rock ball event where we wore masquerade masks in 2012. Oh, and on my wedding we wore masks for the Michael Jackson Thriller routine. That is it.

 

Halloween means nothing to the average Zimbabwean, well at least for me. What in the hell is this pagan festival all about? I mean, if you come to my house dressed like something from Salem’s Lot, you are getting tasered or sledge hammered. Who in this country opens their door after 6pm? I am not about to give out free candy to nobody, first of all I am not Santa Clause or Willy Wonka and secondly, this is a third world country and I cannot afford to give out free candy. If anyone is celebrating Halloween in this country, it is the bourgeoisie privileged kids in the suburbs with them birds and the tress.  We bought the bible and what we are not going to do is adopt this tradition that will have my ancestors spinning in their graves. No disrespect, but I think we are good over here.

 

While I would like to pretend that I never did my research to find out what Halloween is all about I will tell you that we have actual witches on brooms and it is not even Harry Potter. My people have snakes spitting fresh crispy American dollars and it is not even a Nollywood production. Hyenas cackle in the dead of the night like the witches of Macbeth. If you show up at my door step dressed like Satan, guess what? We are tying you up and it is an all night prayer boo boo. We will exorcise the legion out of you and baptize you in holy water. Trick or treat? What you are not going to do is get a dollar out of 15 cents. Trick or treat way over there. We do not send our cute kids out at night dressed like the Easter Bunny, we keep them inside warm, with some soup and a whole lot of the Disney channel. What if the Zombie Apocalypse breaks out during Halloween? Ya’ll be opening you doors to zombies and it is a wrap

 

Ever thought that this whole charade is some Ponzi scheme by a Secret Society for profit influx from Halloween festivities? Think deeply about it. Boy it has been a taxing 15 minutes of writing this blog, because it is so hard to type all of this with a straight face. I am dying over here. All I am saying is I hope you had fun with your Halloween festivities, but out here, it is just another day. This is Africa. Drops le mic.