DISCLAIMER: This blog entry is a work of fiction. Names, characters,places,brands and incidents are either the product of the bloggers imagination or are used fictitiously. Any similarity to real life situations or persons is purely coincidental.
“His high majesty is still asleep your Grace”, Gumbo announced to the queen who lay on a massage table enjoying the much needed rubbing and kneading of her tense body. The queen rolled on her side and emitted a long, deep audible breath.
“Damn Gumbo, wake the old man up! I am clearly busy.” She didn’t bother to mask her annoyance.
” My apologies your Grace. As you wish.” With a slight bow, he exited the massage parlor.
Approaching the royal chambers, Gumbo could make out the all too familiar resounding cymbals of echoes bouncing off the passage walls. The echoes of loud snorting and grunting sounds. A clear detectable indication that the king was deep in slumber land. Not much could be said about the royal guards sitting on small stools in sleep mode. Sleeping seemed to be a trend in this part of the castle. No wonder this kingdom was in shambles. “Ahem” Gumbo announced his presence to the guards who were startled into attention and immediately relaxed when they realised it was him.
“About time, it’s past midday and his high wrinkly raisin is still in lalala land” One of the guards said in jest.
“The king is not an object of derision. Lest I remind you, lowly virtue is the jest of fools” Gumbo reprimanded with the sterness of a scolding mother. Without waiting for a response he deliberately barged into the sleeping chambers. The king was sprawled on a huge wet circle. Bed-wetting was becoming a common thing with the king. Gumbo caught a whiff of something different than the usual urine stench. A trace, a hint of fecal matter? He carefully lifted the bed covers and there it was, smeared all over the sheets like the canvas of a liberal painter. He screwed up his nose in disgust.
” You got to be kidding me” he said in low undertones. He spoke into the bedside receiver. “House keeping and the bathing masseuses needed urgently in the royal chambers”
He momentarily closed his eyes with dread and proceeded with his duty with the usual mechanical demeanor. “Your highness?! Your majesty?!” He said loudly, knowing the king was short of hearing these days. “Your majesty please, it’s time for you to wake up!” He waited. Slowly he opened his eyes and stared blankly at Gumbo. Immediately Gumbo began the mandatory daily narration.
“Good afternoon your majesty. To remind you, you are the Sovereign head of State, the king of SouthEastern Africa. With the queen you produced a tripod heir structure. Prince Bob, Princess Bonnie and Prince Chapman. Today is 12 June the Year 2017. The 37th year of your rule over this state. I am Sir Gumbo the royal senior barrister.” He paused for a reaction
“Yeah yeah, I know all that you dumb fool. Call my mother, she needs to take little Bonnie for some grooming, I don’t like how she is behaving like a tomboy. Very unbecoming of a princess.” The king gruffly responded while throwing his feet on the floor.
With learned patience Gumbo responded. “I am sorry your majesty, the queen mother died 10years ago. Princess Bonnie is now 26 years, married and has a one year old son, Prince Morgan.” The king’s dementia was getting worse by the day.
“Oh help me up from this filth and stop talking to me like I am an idiot. I am very much aware of everything going on around here” The usual denial continued.
In an hour the King was cleaned up, clad in the royal robes adorned with the royal jewellery. The crown seemed heavy, his neck slightly bent as if under strenuous weight. He almost looked like the robes would suck him in. Gumbo looked at him with pity, he could hardly stand, the new treatment was helping with the arthritis. His hands were steady, just a twitch here and there. Old age was coming at him like thunder.
“Shall I call in for the walking stick your highness?”, Gumbo asked with much concern.
“I don’t need a gaddamn walking stick, show me to the dinning chambers. I am famished.” The king said as he limped off into the passage way.
The queen sat on the other end of the table with a permanent contemptuous expression on her face. The make up today was not exactly a good idea, poorly and overly done. She looked like a bag of chocolate dicks in a gay bar. In the kindest of words she looked…grotesque.
“Good afternoon your majesty.” The queens shrill voice filled the room. The king looked up from his plate. “Don’t greet me from the other side of the table, come and kiss your king” She walked ungracefully as if she was making her way to the guillotine and planted a rather awkward clumsy kiss on his lips. The King’s tongue sprout out like snake, giving the queen a nice wet slobber on the lips. In reflex she wiped her lips with the back of her hand and quietly returned to her seat.
“My husband, you should be proud of me. Yesterday I gave a wonderful intelligent speech. I showed the people that I did my science.” The queen said
“Oh really what did you say in the speech?” The king said with a quizzical raised eyebrow.
“I made an astounding figure of speech in regards to you-know-who, in comparison to the queen bee. Calling out her whoredom. It was awesome the people applauded with energy and enthusiasm.” The queen seemingly more than pleased with herself.
“So no-one told you that your googled bee knowledge represented a sexist, mysigonistic metaphor? Worse you are the queen perpetuating such vile masochist declarations. Have you all lost your minds?!!” The king took a deep breath before continuing. ” You have me out there looking like a damn fool. The Queens Counsel is worse for agreeing to such nonsense!” He stood up, “I have lost my appetite, Gumbo take me back to my chambers it’s time for my afternoon nap.”
The queen stood up,” Put down your anatomical portion back in that chair, not another word from you.” The king snapped before his queen could say anything. With a courtesy, she sat back down. Gumbo led him to his chambers, in less than ten minutes the loud snores invaded the entire chambers.
Gumbo returned to the dinning chambers. “Your grace” he addressed the queen with a bow.
“Yes Gumbo, what is it now?” She responded with the familiar irritation.
“It’s the King, your grace. I feel we should get him adult diapers, the bed-wetting is not stopping and today we had another unpleasant package as well.” Gumbo said knowing he was stepping on egg shells, while maintaining his gaze on the floor.
“Nonsense. There is no need for adult diapers. He got a new liver and kidneys. The bed-wetting will stop soon.” She said with a wave of the hand.
“Not to undermine you, your Grace but that is non related to his majesty’s bed-wetting. It’s actually a weak bladder and involuntary relaxation of his anal sphincter muscles. It’s old age and nothing can be done. I really recommend adult diapers, your Grace.” Gumbo replied
“Stop with your fancy words Gumbo, I said no diapers. My word is final. Good day.” The queen waved her hand in dismissal.
“One last thing your Grace. Your cocaine addiction is getting out of hand. Last night you passed out on the front lawn, with barely nothing on to cover your body, we had to carry you to your chambers. I could call the royal therapist” Gumbo immediately regretted saying this.
“Get out of here! Who do you think you are coming here telling me what I should and should not do?!! I am the Queen damn it! Out of my sight now!” The queen was frothing and heaving with anger. Gumbo hastily bowed and scurried out. She took out a little sachet, spread out the white powder on the table and sniffed an entire line without pausing to catch a breath.
Meanwhile, in a transdimensional spectrum of the universe..
We are all set for the abduction of the earthling king. The security is beneath our technology, the gravity wave can be propagated on liquid surface but we can harness it with our Bemediocarpa equipment. Conclusively OUBA (Operation Uncle Bob Abduction) is underway.