A Letter to You Fickle Earthlings

Dear Humans,

Sincerest apologies for our complete lack of correspondence lately. In our defense, the exponential increase in your defenses, angry approach to existential questions, self destructive natures, and general weirdness kinda warranted the absence. Nevertheless, we’d like to clarify a few misnomers for your edification:

1. We don’t make crop circles. Those are bored farmers with ADHD and a large supply of Adderall, or prankster hippies that washed out as pledges from lame fraternities at 2nd rate colleges.

2. We are definitely planning on abducting your crazy uncle Bob. Only because he’s hilarious and so shrivelled he could be one of us. But nobody will touch his genitals… least I don’t think. (Never mind this one.)

3. Flying saucers are not us. We are advanced sentient beings from a plane beyond the comprehension of your current station. We don’t fly around in dinnerware.

4. Yes, the pyramids and several other features have astrological alignments and were directly influenced by us. Mostly in jest… the way you’d give a small child a rotary phone with no cord and tell him to call you. (Ring Ring… hahaha. Gets me every time.)

5. We’ve subtly influenced humanity and technology throughout antiquity. You’ve essentially squandered the efforts in maddening fashion. Surely Tesla would agree. You sorta dropped the ball on that one. Should’ve given the man research grants, awards, a nice apartment, and some high end prostitutes… not pigeons and poverty.

6. Your entire existence is a trick of light in the blink of an eye. That is to say… an eternity. Your current incarnation is inhibited by your inability to perceive anything outside the scope of 3 dimensions. Space, gravity, and time exist outside of this construct, you can’t conceive the correlation… yet. Linear time is an illusion. Visit the house you grew up in, you’re still there playing and crying. Have a beer with yourself, you’ve just drawn a circle in the fabric.

7. No, we did not create you. You should consider the possibility that we are all just different variations of the same phenomena manifesting itself in infinite crashing waves of probability across unfathomable oceans of time and space. Then you should throw that away and stop fucking worrying. Create something, elevate your conscious mind, advance the whole. The answers aren’t behind, beneath, or beside you. They are forward and inside your collective.

8. Lastly and entirely for our own amusement… we are not humanoid figures with big heads and elongated bodies. That’s your lack of imagination colliding with vanity. Our form is conceptually fluid by necessity and is largely beyond the explanation of your words and the current sensory interpretations available to you. In simpler terms- our dicks are enormous… yours are so tiny. lol Anyway, we’ve got other idiots to tease (not quite as underdeveloped as you… but laughable, nonetheless). So we’ll bid you adieu and hope you haven’t blown yourselves to smithereens before we make the rounds again.

Best wishes- your evolutionary transdimensional betters, the

Aliens ♥

P.s. Cats and babies see things you don’t… that’s legit.