All my life, literally all my life I have been fighting the emotionless, angry, irritated, contemptuous expression that comes naturally to me. I have to remind myself to smile, get my facial muscles to loosen and create some sort of friendly looking face. But unconsciously, I revert back to the infamous Resting Bitch Face. I can’t help it, that’s just who I am. Below is an array of my RBF. In all these selfies I was neither depressed, angry nor sad and irritated. In actual fact I was happy, probably excited or just laid back.
I can’t even count the number of times people ask me if I am okay or if anything is wrong. I am thinking, I am here looking friendly but in actual fact I have the murder face on. I remember back in college in Modern linguistics class, the lecturer paused for a minute and was like, “Aye. Girl in the red top why are you looking me at like that?” I have no idea what kind of expression I was wearing but it was so pent up it freaked her out to the point that she just had to ask mid lecture. I had to force a smile and apologized, explaining that I was really concentrating and I didn’t want to miss a word. I guess I looked like I was throwing daggers. That’s the thing, I am tired of forcing smiles and trying too come up with a welcoming- warm expression. Constantly on high alert to remind myself that my face needs to loosen up. It’s tiring to be honest and feels fake. When I remember to smile, my face feels pinched, I have the slyest, corniest, side smile on this planet.
Can I just be myself without the world thinking I am going through something really hectic? It’s hard to make friends with a RBF, because you constantly look, mean, aloof or snobbish. When you actually get to know me I am actually a cool person. I look unapproachable, it took real guts for the guys I dated to make a move on me. Most of my friends are always telling me about their first impression of me, “scary, mean, snob.” That’s the thing about writing & blogging , my readers get to know me without being intimidated by my RBF. I can be myself without having to scrunch up face into the ‘friendly look.’ It’s so bad, I can’t be sarcastic or make jokes without seeming like I am attacking a person’s character. Usually when I tease people, they get offended and defensive because RBF. Man, I can’t even joke without people assuming that I am coming from a bitter place.
I do laugh and smile, don’t get me wrong. And when it’s no forced and coming from my heart I don’t look like the forced-awkward-constipated smile. My face is capable of lighting up in a genuine smile. But that’s like 20% of the time and 80% RBF. When I was born I never smiled as a baby, as a toddler, throughout kindergarten to junior school. The first time I smiled was when I was 5years old. My parents hired a clown when I was 3 to make me laugh. Atter one hour the clown gave up, I never broke not even for a second. You see as a child you don’t feel any obligation to conform to societal norms. So I didn’t really bother. But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t happy. I was probably amused by the clown and enjoyed that one hour. No my RBF is not from a broken childhood or rape or something tragic that happened in my life as psychologists would like to think. I had a happy childhood, never raped or anything like that. That’s just me. It’s so cool to type Lol with the RBF in place. You have no idea how this cyber walls protect me.
I smile at my son, play and laugh with him. Mummy is not that cold, he breaks that RBF in so many ways. All I am saying don’t judge a book by its cover until you read at least one page from it. If you bump into me looking all kinds of serious, don’t be afraid to say hello. That’s my friendly face. Kanye West, Avril Lavigne, Victoria Beckham and Rihanna totally get me.