I hate to admit but I have an extreme, irrational fear of the zombie apocalypse. Subsequently vampires terrified me, but not anymore after they made them sparkly, fall in love with humans and what not. In spite of the fact that vampires love to wine and dine victims before sinking their fangs in their victims’ neck? Really, really unsettling but I can pass the zombie apocalypse for a vampire.
Now as for zombies, the only zombie I like is the tall mixed drink, consisting of several kinds of liqueur, rum and fruit juice. The soulless corpse, apathetic and completely driven by its instinctive hunger for human flesh? NOT SO MUCH. Television education has given me the capacity to gain, accurate and deep intuitive understanding of the zombie apocalypse. I mean c’mon, seven seasons of ‘The Walking Dead.’ I am Lara Croft to these dead-animate-creatures. My survival skills will be up to par. Although I really don’t know about beheading a zombie then smear myself with its rotten gooey flesh and blood to obscure my human scent. I am sure zombies smell worse than road kill aaaaand I just gagged! I would definitely kill the zombie shuffle if it counts for anything.
The first season of ‘The Walking Dead’, the zombies are fresh looking, the flesh hasn’t decayed much and there is a hint of intelligence. Particularly the scene where a little zombie girl actually picks up a teddy bear: not to mention the zombies that linger around their old homes. Some sort of territorial imperative. The last thing I need during an apocalypse is a zombie that thinks. Uncannily frightening. If the apocalypse befalls us, I prefer zombies from ‘The Walking Dead’ season six and seven. They are slower, weaker although you wouldn’t want to underestimate them in numbers.
My phobia for the zombie apocalypse mainly stems from the fact that zombies out number humanity and they are corpses of people we used to know and love. Disturbing, creepy and haunting. Having to axe a dear family member is the kind of trauma that would kill me before any zombie gets to me. If the zombie apocalypse were to bring ‘World War Z’ type of zombies? Stage-exit-left. I am not doing that type of the zombie apocalypse. Sorry, I will out myself by surreptitiously slitting my wrists and take on sweet death. Quick question. I have a sledge hammer underneath my bed in case the zombie apocalypse sneaks on us and hubby might turn on me and I will have to bash his head in. I mean is this normal or we should call in a therapist? Okay you don’t have to respond to that.
You see, I am not dealing with these extremely agile, rabid zombies that can easily move from zero to Ferrari speed levels: within a sixtieth of a minute of time. Nope. Not happening. That’s some cray-cray bionic zombitis virus that can turn a human into a zombie in 12 seconds. Twelve. Seconds. Reminiscent of the ‘Game of Thrones’ white walker zombies. Same calibre and second cousins genre of zombies. You cannot out run these things, even in a video game of Need for Speed. It’s a joke trying to fight these things. Brad Pitt’s realization to camouflage humanity form these zombies by hosting any kind of pathogen was ingenious. This kind of resourceful thinking saved what was left of the human kind. Although Para dropping vials of these pathogens to unsuspecting people is unbeknown to me. I hope they attached a note of instructions despite that I am highly anxious about language barriers. Also, that rabidity pyramid of zombies, piling themselves up to climb high walls and buildings. Seriously humanity had no standing chance. Like WHAT WAS THAT? WHAT WAS THAT?
Let’s talk about Will Smith in ‘I AM LEGEND’. It’s the apocalypse but instead of zombies they have these super enhanced, vigorous-robust human creatures. These creatures put the adage, ‘as agile as a monkey’ to shame. Like vampires they hide during the day and come out at night. The night is dark and full of terror. I figured that their abnormal pale white color was a congenital absence of pigment in the skin and eyes. Hence the sun was a foe. I must commend on Will Smith’s determination to find a cure to bring back civilization and human dominance. But kidnapping the seemingly leader’s wife of these creatures to run his experiments? Excellent display of courageous behavior and stupidity. Bravissimo. It costed his life (sob) but he found the cure. This type of apocalypse, I think I can handle. If I can have some sort of panic room made out of iron meteorite. Keep those things at bay during the night and daytime we can go about scavenging for food. This could really work, while my good buddy Will works out a cure.
My favorite kind of zombies are the Michael Jackson’s Thriller zombies. I love them so much that on my wedding we actually did the Thriller zombie dance. Hahahaha! Wait for it. I will put it on YouTube. That thriller zombie routine is a DANSE MACABRE. Those zombies brought down the medieval allegory representation of the undead. Comical, fun and hella creative. M.J would have made a home run if those zombies moon walked. The crude crotch grabbing dance resuscitated me back to life. Standing frigging ovation.
The best part after watching all these apocalyptic films, I can switch the channel to ‘Keeping Up with the Kardashians.’ Then I realize, wait-what? OMG the zombie apocalypse is near. I will let you in on the conspiracy theory in another blog. Know this (whispers) patient zero is a Kardashian. Take heed my people. Take heed. But you know what would make ‘The Walking Dead’ epic? Zombie sex.