The peaceful Sunday nap that I was enjoying was the calm before the storm. Little 9 months of cognitive-hormonal-facticity were conjuring into one hell of a Sarajevo incident. I was rudely awakened by the pop sound of breaking waters followed by intense contractions that toppled each other. Panic ensued.
I had planned a silent, bad ass birth, no epidural, with my face beat with them boomerang brows; lash extensions, red lips, eye shadow and the works. It was all wrapped up in my little box of horse crap. At this point I literally looked like a preggy scarecrow, weave tracks showing, electrocuted looking hair and a permanent grotesque expression on my face. I was screaming for hubby thinking the baby was about to drop out of my vagina. The man came rushing; I searched his face for reassurance because at that moment I wanted him to be my pillar and cornerstone. Instead he looked terrified, his forehead glistened with beads of sweat. I looked incredulously at him and barked at him to get the damn bags and get going! He could not find the bags that where right in front of him, I am on the floor doing cartwheels and asking Jesus to forgive me when I smother this man to death.
He finally located the bags then he was out of the door leaving me behind. The man was backing out of the driveway while I looked on from the window. I was in tears now rebuking Satan thinking omg where is my phone? The contractions where stronger and unbearable. My mind was a frenzy; maybe I could crawl out of the house and scream for help. Where is my phone? What if the baby comes out now? I had a really rusty tetanus looking scissors, how will I cut the umbilical cord?! I will have to use a bread knife or my teeth? WHERE IS MY PHONE?!!
He came back in the house (by the way, this entire time he was wearing nothing but boxers) I am wishing I had a gun to artistically splatter his brains on the wall. He took a glass of water, sat down on the couch and began to breathe in and out. Ladies and gentlemen we had two pregnant women in labor. Just great. I made my way to the car yelling and cursing at this man. So I am in the car, clutching the door handle and doing them breathing exercises. He emerged from the house wearing my yoga pants inside out. Lord why have you forsaken me at such a time? We got at the hospital at that time I was tearing my hair out in pain. We got the shock of our lives when they announced that I had dilated to 8cm!! I was immediately rushed to the delivery room.
The man got in the room, held my hand and did them breathing exercises with me. I looked at him; he was equally scared and squeezed the heck out of my hand. I was fully dilated in an hour; they propped my legs up and asked me to push. The man pushed with me, we pushed together, and out he came!! Oh it was a beautiful sight as he picked his son from the delivery couch and cradled him in his arms. The panic gone but just the pride of a new father. I looked at both of my boys and felt blessed. All the murderous thoughts gone and replaced by the glorious feeling of love abound. I could have killed this man though. Stabbed him in the head.