The Predicament of a Man in Pregnancy labor

IMG_20150729_111745The peaceful Sunday nap that I was enjoying was the calm before the storm. Little 9 months of cognitive-hormonal-facticity were conjuring into one hell of a Sarajevo incident. I was rudely awakened by the pop sound of breaking waters followed by intense contractions that toppled each other. Panic ensued.


I had planned a silent, bad ass birth, no epidural, with my face beat with them boomerang brows; lash extensions, red lips, eye shadow and the works. It was all wrapped up in my little box of horse crap. At this point I literally looked like a preggy scarecrow, weave tracks showing, electrocuted looking hair and a permanent grotesque expression on my face. I was screaming for hubby thinking the baby was about to drop out of my vagina. The man came rushing; I searched his face for reassurance because at that moment I wanted him to be my pillar and cornerstone. Instead he looked terrified, his forehead glistened with beads of sweat. I looked incredulously at him and barked at him to get the damn bags and get going! He could not find the bags that where right in front of him, I am on the floor doing cartwheels and asking Jesus to forgive me when I smother this man to death.


He finally located the bags then he was out of the door leaving me behind. The man was backing out of the driveway while I looked on from the window. I was in tears now rebuking Satan thinking omg where is my phone? The contractions where stronger and unbearable. My mind was a frenzy; maybe I could crawl out of the house and scream for help. Where is my phone? What if the baby comes out now? I had a really rusty tetanus looking scissors, how will I cut the umbilical cord?! I will have to use a bread knife or my teeth? WHERE IS MY PHONE?!!


He came back in the house (by the way, this entire time he was wearing nothing but boxers) I am wishing I had a gun to artistically splatter his brains on the wall. He took a glass of water, sat down on the couch and began to breathe in and out. Ladies and gentlemen we had two pregnant women in labor. Just great. I made my way to the car yelling and cursing at this man. So I am in the car, clutching the door handle and doing them breathing exercises. He emerged from the house wearing my yoga pants inside out. Lord why have you forsaken me at such a time? We got at the hospital at that time I was tearing my hair out in pain. We got the shock of our lives when they announced that I had dilated to 8cm!! I was immediately rushed to the delivery room.


The man got in the room, held my hand and did them breathing exercises with me. I looked at him; he was equally scared and squeezed the heck out of my hand. I was fully dilated in an hour; they propped my legs up and asked me to push. The man pushed with me, we pushed together, and out he came!! Oh it was a beautiful sight as he picked his son from the delivery couch and cradled him in his arms. The panic gone but just the pride of a new father. I looked at both of my boys and felt blessed. All the murderous thoughts gone and replaced by the glorious feeling of love abound. I could have killed this man though. Stabbed him in the head.


20 Replies to “The Predicament of a Man in Pregnancy labor”

  1. Haha! Fortunately for me, there was no man involved in my 1 hour and 58 minute labor until a doctor I’d never met — substituting for mine, who had gone to Utah two hours earlier to hunt pheasants — arrived 5 minutes before my son appeared. He had the decency to wait till between contractions to introduce himself.

    I was at home alone when my water broke, stuck in the bathroom for 20 minutes as EVERY intestine-entombed thing came out, called my sister to COME NOW, and called my best friend (my Lamaze coach), who was 45 minutes away from the hospital in the opposite direction from mine, to MEET US THERE, and wheeled into the Alternative Birthing Center (the ABC Room) 30 minutes before delivering with no prep, no drugs, and wish to kill anyone. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wait, 1hour 58mins?!! Look a at you! I thought my 3hrs was a record breaker. So envious! Lol Goals for my next. Aww precious, you didn’t have to deal with the man in labor drama. And your doc such a gentleman ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚.

      Bless you ๐Ÿ˜˜

      Liked by 1 person

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