The Lamentations of a MILF

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I mentioned in one of my blogs that I was going to narrow down to a niche in the near future. It looks like I am heading down the mummy blog avenue, seeing I am about to share one of my motherhood experiences AGAIN.

So after giving birth my road to recovery was a rocky one. First thing first, my vagina was in shambles, ruins…I mean I got stitched down there! From the morning sickness, round ligament pains, cravings, raging hormones, 9 months to popping out a baby. Stitches were the worst out of all that! My labour was fast and smooth. 3hrs long and the pain wasn’t the fury of hell that I had imagined.

The moment the anaesthetic wore out I cursed Adam, Eve and my ancestors. I couldn’t sit, walk or make sudden movements. Then came the horrendous salt baths. I died a thousands deaths. I had to sit in cold saline water three times a day! 15 minutes of my very own personal hell. Fun times. Sometimes I would wake up in the middle of the night to the pulsating pain of my lady bits. I would waddle to the kitchen to fetch an ice pack and gingerly place it between my legs. I did not care for the cold, the thing had to freeze to numb the pain. 3 weeks, 3 long miserable weeks. I would wonder how other women could survive 4 kids! Four times of gnashing and gnawing of teeth. A round of applause to all the mothers out there. Come fetch your Grammy and your cape!

The vagina is beautiful yet versatile orchid. Its amazing what this thing can do. After the stitches everything went back to normal as if I had imagined it all. It wasn’t over the fact that I looked 6 months preggy. I remember I took a walk just to enjoy the fresh morning air. I passed this elderly gentlemen and he was like ” You must be having a girl, because you are glowing! How far long are you?” Wait what? He thought I was pregnant! So just to measure the incredulity of the matter, I responded  ” I am six months pregnant” then he added more salt to the wound ” oh wow, big baby you have in there because you look 9 months preggy” I conjured a weak smile and headed back home.

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I stood stark naked in front of the mirror sobbing on the brink of wailing. Omg my belly was hideous, it looked back  at me as if it was mocking me. I looked like the famous anime picture of Lobengula. It was awful, this thing had to go and be me again. You see I never had any weight problems, my metabolism has always been fantastic. I could eat anything and everything and my body would naturally maintain its va va voom. This unsightly version of me was new to me. I had to act fast so I downloaded a mobile app called ‘ The 30 Day Ab Challenge’ I called it ‘Operation Dumbu (belly) Must Fall’ I worked my butt off, every single day, pushing my limits and sweating like a damn pig. I did them sit ups, planks, leg raises, crunches etcetera. After 30 days it was surely gone! I was me again! Hard work yields good results no doubt.

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So I read an article that the body could emulsify your butt into breast milk. My butt was truly gone and even though i was breastfeeding exclusively my eating habits were poor, I simply didn’t have an appetite. I have always taken a lot of pride from my ass and it dwindling to flat base island did not go well with me. So I began to eat and I would stuff my face at every opportunity presented. I did get my booty back and my belly again -__- (there is no winning in this world)I know *face-palm* This belly snuck up on me I swear. So I am rocking Billy ( I named my belly billy) here. I have a wedding soon (yay) and Billy has to go bye bye.

So finally the dreaded decision to join the gym has been made. Thank goodness I never had stretch marks from my pregnancy. Phew! Here is to a life time of kegels! After all, it was all worth it I have my precious bum chum :):):):):)

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16 Comments Add yours

  1. Deb says:

    I was so glad to get to a happy ending. Work it! I have come to accept that my flat-ish tummy comes with a flatt-ish ass.:-)Good luck getting rid of billy.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Makaitah says:

      Thanks! 🙂 billy has to go, I will die doing squats, not my ass Lawwd not my ass!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Cheyanne says:

    The female body is pretty INCREDIBLE!!! Pregnancy is terrifying and anyone that makes it through it pretty much deserves a medal in my book. I pinned the ab challenge…..cause…..yeah, I need it. But I think I’ll try to do an equal number of squats because I don’t want to lose my ass! lol

    Like

  3. Resilient says:

    Lol! You are hilarious! I love it!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Makaitah says:

      Thank you! 😆😆😆😆😆

      Like

  4. This is really funny! But I think you’ve put me off having a baby!! I’ve never read the pain described like that. Good job getting your body back into MILF shape !!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Makaitah says:

      Thank you, but don’t let this stop you! Maybe you won’t even get them stitches.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Angel Mbeks says:

    Hahahaha “operation dumbu” must fall…funny you. Thank God it worked. Am looking forward to that transition from a girl to a mother.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Makaitah says:

      Lol the struggle is real!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. K E Garland says:

    Girl, I haven’t laughed so hard at a post in a very long time lol. I feel your pain, although my kiddies are 16 and 14. And for baby #2, rub wheat germ oil down there. You’ll have zero tearing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Makaitah says:

      Lol, thank you for the tip! I don’t ever want to go down that road again. EVER.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. It is so refreshing to read your blog, such a fresh outlook and fantastic sense of humor you have! Thank you for your honesty about motherhood. I have three of my own. I hear you! Thank you as well for liking some of my posts.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Makaitah says:

      thank you so much for reading! i really appreciate. Your blog is awesome too 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Keep it up. What you wrote about stretchmarks and tiger stripes really drove the point home about the beauty of women at any stage. You are wise!

    Like

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